Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mario Dick Wii

A game that I have been playing more and more lately is Mario Kart Wii. The increasing amount of time used on this game is due to the fact that almost every guest that comes to my humble abode feels the undeniable need to play this game.
Lucky for me, MOST of these people who come to play this game are just god awful at it, leaving first place victories for me and me only. Another thing that makes these amazing meetings so fun is the fact that my guests always want to do teams, which is great for me, i get to take one person to the top with me, and allow them to talk all the trash talk for me.
This particularly annoys most of them as the player trash talking is not even the one who is winning. I have never seen people get so mad at other people while I am around. For example, I will get a first place finish, and my teammate will get a 5th or 6th place finish, and because I carried in the points, we will still be ahead. With us being ahead, my teammate always decides now is the right time to start talking trash. Meaning I get to watch the trolling take place, and know it's possible because of me.

It's nice being the good guy sometimes.

Monday, January 24, 2011

A World of Dick!

In World of Warcraft I have spent many many hours just sitting in a major city talking in Trade chat trolling anybody willing to call me out for my dickish tendencies. While I do believe that pure chat based trolling is the lowest form of trolling, sometimes you gotta work with what is available.
A "debate" in the world of warcraft field is, "which is more important, gear or skill?". MOST players can agree that a little bit of gear is important, but it is the skill of the player that is more important, that is unless you agree with me. I play a different tune, my theory is that neither gear nor skill is important, what makes a player a good player is all dependent on one thing, the sex of the player.
That is right, I would continually tell everybody in trade chat that they are all wrong, I am the only person in the whole game that understands what it really takes to be a good player, and people didn't seem to really like this take on skill.
One particularly mad fellow once implied that I had a deep seeded hatred of women, which is why I had this theory on the skill of other players. I had to set his mind at ease by reminding him that I LOVE his mother almost every night and she is, by all definitions, a woman. He was of course ever so pleased with me for the reminder and thanked me in a most peculiar manner, he reported me and got me banned for a few hours.

I knew he meant it in the nicest way possible.

A Diablo Dicking Tale

As I appear to still be in a nostalgic mood I have decided to pull out another classic multiplayer troll fest, Diablo 2. In Diablo 2 there is a GREAT PvP system where you can attack anybody who is not grouped with you as long as you are not in town, let me go ahead and say now, I wish every game had a system such as this.
This game also has another system that I like to call the "False Sense of Security" system. You see, the only way to not be able to be attacked by a player is to put them in a group with you, but this grouping system is too fragile to be a legitimate party system as all it takes is one click to leave group and turn all teammates into enemies.
Okay, as I am far to civilized a troll to allow myself to give into such trivial trolling maneuvers as to just join a server and start killing the players inside, I usually find myself using a strategy such as,
 1. Earn Trust
2. Take Into dungeon
3. Take to boss
4. Leave party
5. ?????
6. Profit!

Using this strategy I lure many the "ally" to their doom! A particular instance was when I was playing my favorite character, my Necromancer who is obviously named Necrophiliac. Well I joined a server of 3 people who were still doing first world, I was a VERY high level compared to them! I offered to help them and of course they accepted immediately. I led them through the whole first world, getting them all the way to the final boss before I made a note of how much work I was doing for such little self gain. One of them told me how much they appreciated what I was doing for them and how nice I was being, the other two made fun of him for being a suck up. I told this new found follower of mine to head back to town to grab me some potions, he left and the attack begun! I left the group, slain my teamate, killed and looted the final boss, and still had time to type "LOLOLOLOLOL" repeatedly in chat.
I made a new follower that day.
I also made 2 people have to restart a whole world.

Mission Successful.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Okay, it's time for a blast from the past... StarCraft. Okay, first let me go ahead and say, I was never all that good at StarCraft, I mean I was good enough to hold my own in ranked matches, but I never got so far into it that I binded all my keys and started doing old StarCraft pagan  rituals, which, by the way, is how I think all them Asians got so good at it.
Okay, I had a system I used to keep the game at maximum fun levels, but to also keep my Win/Loss ratio good.
Every 5 matches I would just throw a match, go complete troll mode, and make my team hate me more than anybody else. The four matches before this one lucky troll match were of course just me trying my absolute hardest to win and to keep my win/loss ratio strong for more rated matches! You might ask why didn't i just make another account for trolling? Simple, I only want to troll TRY HARDS, and you don't start encountering them until you get a decent rating under your belt! So, I had my work cut out for me! I had to keep my rating up, while trolling people and purposely losing games, but I fought through it!
OH MAN, OH MAN! It's story time! So I was in a 3v3 with some obvious TRY HARDS, their names were, of course, TRYHARD1 and TRYSUPERHARD521. I of course came in with the only race I troll with, Zerglings(ALIENS), TRYHARD1 was playing the Terrans(humans), and TRYSUPERHARD937 was playing the Protoss(high tech super aliens). So I started the game off perfectly fine, started building units and such just like I always do. Now let me tell you the one thing that makes trolling on this game so easy, it's something I like to refer to as Friendly Fire... yeah, that's right. Okay, so as you are on the internet, I am going to assume you have heard the term "Zerg Rush", but in case you haven't, let me lay it on you. A Zerg Rush is when you rush an "enemy" base with an overly zealous amount of Zerglings, oh yeah. So after about 5 minutes of putting all my resources into building Zerglings, I tell my Protoss ally, TRYSUPERHARD836, that I am going to bury some Zergs in base because I feel like they are about to rush him, he of course accepts this very gracious help I am offering. I of course send EVERY Zergling in my arsenal over to his base and let the team attack ensue. I start by destroying all his construction dewds as they die so easily and are so vital to his building process. In this particular game my surprised ally must have been some state of troll induced shock as he didn't even try to defend himself from the onslaught being brought upon him by my ugly lil alien beasts. This was a particularly lucky venture for me as I actually totally knocked out and destroyed TRYSUPERHARD6969LOL, I then sent my forces over to TRYHARD1, and weakened him a bit before all my stuff was destroyed. Unluckily for me, while I was attacking my teammates, the enemies came into my base and destroyed all my stuff, but as I was not trying to win, I was not as upset as you might think. By this point both my "allies" are visibly upset and letting there voices be heard! You might think I am the bad guy here, but let me tell you something! The "enemy" team LOVED me! They couldn't have been happier! To them I was a super hero, I guess you can't please everybody! At least I left my last living ally with some words of encouragement, "Good luck". I can tell he appreciated it.

I am a super hero.

Call of Duty: Modern Dickware 2

Okay, so I was one of those kids who waited outside in the cold on release night for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, but I didn't do it because I like the game, I did it because I love the kind of try hards that FPS midnight releases can bring, and this was no different!
Standing in line, without striking range of all these FPS TRY HARDS, I knew I had to keep my trolling low profile, definitely no "U MAD!?!?!?!" in this group of people, that's implying I want to live. So I was waiting in line behind this rather old man wearing an army jacket. I made a comment to the guy behind me, slightly louder than average speaking voice, "There should truly be an age limit on this type of video games." The guy in front of me obviously heard me and shot me a little look as if to say, "Really man? Really?" I just smiled.
So I continued the rest of the night describing to this stranger behind me how older gamers are giving us a bad name and how their reflexes have dulled in their age and they should play simpler games like plat-formers or adventures and leave the shooters to the experts. When we were about 10 people from the front the man in front of me was visibly upset. He had just been listening to me pretty much bash him this whole time, I finally said something about how age has probably affected his performance else where as well... I suppose this was the final straw as he turned around and just let is loose on me. He was yelling, calling me a little punk, said he could take me out if he ever met me online, and he assured me that his sexual stamina had been unaffected by his age.
During this outburst he had drawn the attention of the employees, who didn't seem too thrilled about this outburst, they were actually so disappointed in his performance they made him get out of line.

I got my copy of CoD a little bit faster that day.
I also learned that there is no age limit for raging.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Super Smash Dicks

 A game I spend quite a large amount of time playing since the death of my xbox, rest in peace, is Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This is the perfect game for this juncture of my life as there are always people around to play it with! Now this is suppose to be a fun party game where everybody runs around knocking the shit out of each other, but when I play there is a very different strategy being used.
When I play this game I do something that some people think is a FPS exclusive, camp. That's right, the whole time, I camp off to the side of the map and let everybody else fight. Now, this is not always easy due to people constantly noticing my tom dickery, but I have figured out how to stay out of the combat pretty easily. My usual plan is to sit near the edge of the map and whenever somebody comes close, i run at them, grab them, and throw them back at the other players on the field.
Okay, when the game is going for a few minutes, and the damage of my enemies starts getting pretty high, this is where I start to dick. I, having almost no damage, can easily run into the group, and steal all three kills pretty effectively. Now, most of my friends are so used to this that they barely even get mad anymore, but recently my roommate, Rob, invited his friend over, Josh. Josh is the definition of a TRY HARD. No matter how legitimate your victory, he will always try to call you out on how cheap you are, or how the game fucked him over. I love this more than anything. The thing about TRY HARDS is they are almost never able to keep a cool head under trollious conditions, and lucky for me, Josh is the perfect TRY HARD! Okay, so the game starts and they are all fighting each other pretty evenly, and about 2 or 3 minutes in, when they start getting to about 100% or 150% damage, I decide it's time to fight. I jump in, and without hesitation, go straight for Josh. As his damage is so high, the battle never lasts long, as I can usually knock him out within 15-30 seconds of combat, and this is where stuff gets lulzy. He immediately yells and grips his controller in such a way you fear the controller might break, from this he goes on to say things such as, "How can you even enjoy playing like that?" or "Being cheap is no way to play! PLAY FAIR!" Of course, these words mean nothing to me, as playing fair is no longer even in my play book. I continue this same strategy with the same results for hours.
I could not be more pleased, and he could not be more upset.

I fucking love Super Smash Bros.

Monday, January 17, 2011


I feel like the way I have been describing myself it appears I only dick people through the internet, I would like to assure you this is not the case. I am constantly dicking people I know in real life too in video games of all varieties. This is nothing new, I have been dicking my friends in video games since fucking middle school! I remember when I used to play Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory with my ole friend Eric Dustin! Soooo many good memories! Shit was awesome, we used to fuck with each other the whole time, we would be sneaking down a hall way, being quiet and shit, trying to get past guards then I'd shoot him in the back with a stun dart and he would get killed by the guards, awhhh, good times.
We were actually terrible at this game, and we never beat it, but it was some of the most fun I ever had playing video games. We were actually pretty obsessed with this game, and every time we hung out near an xbox we would try to beat this fucking game, but we could not stop dicking eachother long enough to do it! There was one part where we were on a ledge tryign to jump on each others head to jump up to a window, but I would always initiate the jump to make it throw him off the ledge and take damage! We were just a terrible team...

and he was so mad.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Once upon a dick

I wasn't always the dick I am today, there was a time where I was an overly temperamental, easily trolled, and extremely angry young gamer. At this point in my life, online games were pretty much a constant fight for two things, being the best and not getting angry.
At this point, I didn't even know what "trolling" was, let alone being trolled. I only knew that I was getting angry, and to an extreme degree. For example, one of the first online FPS that I played was Counter Strike Source, or CSS, in this game I was trolled constantly for the longest time, day in and day out, I was called a TRY HARD, i raged, i was called a SCRUB, I raged, I was called a NEWB, a BK RANDY, and a NO SKILL, I raged.
One specific instance was in a game of CSS, we were playing on my favorite map at the time, DE_DUST2, which is just a normal Death Match map. I was 23-0, doing one of the best games I have had up to this point, and yet I couldn't enjoy it at all, for, much to my dismay, the enemy team had something much worse than any skilled player, a troll. This man did not care about kill/death ratios, wins or losses, he cared only about making people angry. At the end of every match, he would always comment on how he beat me, or made me his bitch, though his kill/death ratio was not positive, he seemed to be having the most fun in that whole game! I could not have been more angry, my caps lock had never had such a work out! Right before the left the game he left with me some words of wisdom, "Trevorlol, you are a newb, and i look forward to pwning you again."

I was mad.

Saturday, January 15, 2011


DISCLAIMER: I can not be held accountable for any of the dickings I do as I was not loved enough as a child.

In WoW there is one town where RP (role playing) is most frequented, this town is Goldshire. Now me and my friend Shonzo make it an almost constant mission to go to this place and troll every RP'er we can find.

Shonzo has a very different approach to trolling than myself. Where i like to go in, think a little, and formulate a trolling maneuver, he prefers to go in, guns a blazing, and just spam whatever insult he can think of first. In this case, that insult was "Your mom".
So we were in Goldshire, Shonzo spamming "Your mom" and me just standing beside him, nude, dancing. We are just strolling around the place, trolling around the place, when we get this one fellow who above all else made himself ample trolling material. As Shonzo was spamming "your mom" this man yells from inside the Inn, "Nah brah, YOUR MOM!" and with this, we set off to the Inn.
We get inside this Inn to see this guy just standing in the middle of the room, apparently waiting for us. Shonzo goes back to his spamming, while I wait for my moment to strike. So this man is spending his time yelling at Shonzo and Shonzo is spending his time yelling "your mom". After about 5 minutes, the guy says, "I hope you guys get banned!", Shonzo, being the witty guy he is said, "Your mom got banned." The man replied, " My mom is dead!" This is where I could not resist... I came in with a "Well i guess she got banned from life!"
...he logged off, and i was banned for a week.
...worth it...

Friday, January 14, 2011


Another online game that I often find myself trolling is the zombie survival shooter named Left 4 Dead 2. Now this game is extremely easy to troll as it is VERY team oriented and is impossible to beat without at least a little bit of team work, this being said, I don't much care if I win.
While I was playing this yesterday online with some BK RANDYS (bad kid randoms) I was just going through the level, not saying anything to anybody and helping all my teammates as they needed it, but this was soon to change. As we were heading to the first safe house, which is like checkpoints in this game, I pulled out a lil dick strategy from my, always on hand, Mobile Dicking Manual, this particular dicking strategic maneuver has to do with the first aid kits. Let me tell you something about first aid kits, the whole time you are using the first aid kits on your allies, rather they want you to or not, they can not move.... oh man. So as we are all running towards the safe house, i turn around, pick the last person in this row of allies, and start using a med kit on him, rendering him unable to move. Now I never actually let this med kit finish, as i release it every time right before it actually heals him, and start it over, meaning he is just sitting there, trying to get away, as I am keeping him completely immobilized. I keep this up for about a minute when, as I had hoped, a hoard of zombie appeared out of no where. By this time, my allies have very mixed emotions, some of them think this display of shenanigans is quite hilarious, while the guy who I have standing out in the open during the zombie attack doesn't seem to enjoy it quite as much. This man is yelling, typing in caps lock, shooting randomly around in some maniac attempt to break free from my wrath, but it's all for none, the zombies soon over take him, kill him, and while they are eating his brains, I run to the safety of the Safe House and complete the stage.

He rage quit and I never saw him again.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Merry Dicktmas and a Happy New Dicking

Okay, on the week before Christmas I begged my father for the game many of us are fans of, Minecraft! He said okay, but it counted as a Christmas present, and with this present came a special gift, the gift of a game full of new victims.
So from the day i got this game into the week following Christmas I dedicated at least some time every day to going online in this game and griefing. For you people who do not know, griefing for minecraft is when you go onto a server and destroy things people have built or are building. This always entertained me as even if they did ban me, i knew the damage i made would still have to be repaired....
Out of all my greifings I have a few specific occasions I really enjoyed and this is one of them. I went onto some random Minecraft server i found online that was named something stupid like "LOLTROLLZONEnoGRIEFING" or "HappyFUNbuildingLAND!" ... I forget which. Anyways, i get in there and the first thing I see is this man building a HUGE airplane in the middle of the sky. For this, he had built a stair set all the way up from the ground, and then platforms for him to use around his airplane, which i have to admit was quite clever. I started this session with a lil stair set destruction... i went up the stairset destroying every block i walked up after I had passed it. By the time i got to the top the guy had noticed my work on his stair set and had already been yelling at me in chat, saying such threatening things as "I know the admins and i will tell on you!" , "I eat griefers for breakfast, come at me bro!", or even "Thanks for the improvements on the stair set, brah.". As he was yelling at me for breaking his stair set I went hard at work destroying his beautiful airplane, but let me tell you, this thing was huge! I had to build my own platforms while tearing his down just to get around this thing! After it was completely destroyed an admin finally logged on to the server, as soon as I saw this player joined I exclaimed, "OMG CAN SOMEBODY GET AN ADMIN, THIS GUY IS DESTROYING MY AIRPLANE!" The admin, seeing a player in distress, banned the player who had actually built the air plane, and added me as a steam friend so I could message him if any more griefers show up.      It was a good day.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I think it's time to give you guys a little better insight to the kind of person I really am. I will use an example from a huge part of my life, World of Warcraft. Okay, in WoW I play a Human Holy Paladin, the healer of all healers, (alliance4lyfe) and pretty much all I do is PvP. This of course means Arena, Battle Grounds, and World PvP. The most common of these for me is BGs, and this is simply because I hate The Alliance. Why do I play a character for the faction I despise? This is simply, it is much easier to troll from the inside.
Let me tell you about my average BG. I start every BG by spamming a strategy that I, and everybody with any sense, can tell is a completely terrible idea, BUT a small amount of my allies will see my gear, think I am legit, and follow my strategy to the end. Now that I have them out of the way, it's time to get the rest of them. I of course follow the main group once the BG starts and let the idiots who followed my strategy die straight away. While following the rest of the group they are empowered with a false sense of security seeing such a well geared healer following them around, this makes them do stupid things, like expect me to actually heal them, so the rest of the game for me is spent following people around, casting heals on myself, and /laughing at anybody who actually thought i would heal them.

I am a healer, who refuses to heal.
I am Trevorlol, I am DICKSTATUS.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The first dicking!

Okay, being a continuous browser of the interwebs I have quite the amount of experience with Dickings and people hitting DICKSTATUS, this blog is a way for me to tell people about the DICKSTATUS experiences I live through, and hopefully to entertain with these stories. Let me go ahead and start this off....

So on the daily I do two things, play LoL and play WoW... While doing these things, I am often forced to encounter the scum of the earth, TRY HARDS! Don't get me wrong, I love TRY HARDS, who the heck would I troll if they didn't exist? BUT on occasion, even I tire of the constant stress of the TRY HARDS, and thus, I must make their life even harder than usual.

A specific case of this was when I was playing LoL, just another day of me pwning face and such, I was being dick status with a character who is known for being just that, Teemo, and while I was sitting there doing nothing and being invisible, I noticed in chat somebody yelling something most peculiar, "Fucking Teemo is being a dick, he takes no skill, he is probably just sitting stealth right now waiting to gank somebody!" While at first I was amazed he guessed my current strategy, I then grew aware of the potential trolling that could be done to this already angry individual, with this realization I commented, "Dude, I will fight you 1v1 in mid, if you are up for it! .... YOU TRY HARD" I then told my teammates to wait in the bushes by mid of course... and this TRY HARD could not resist the challenge, and came to mid. As soon as he arrived, he typed, "Come on out!" and with that call, my team ran out... during this time i am of course staying completely invisible and watching the horror unfold and when i see his health reach an all time low, i jump out and steal the kill. By this point THE DICK had been thoroughly passed out, and my trolling had reached critical mass, all to be seen in chat was this TRY HARD yelling and being angry, all i had to say is, "Atleast I proved I can beat you 1v1."