Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Brotherly Dicking...umm.. yeah.

My brother is the worst kind of person to play a game with if you intend to do anything but troll.
As it turns out, any action taken in the game that is not a 100% positive for him will begin a cycle of anger and madness that will not cease until the game goes back into his favor.
As of late we have been playing quite a bit of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, which is great for me for two reasons.
1. I am fucking great at Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
2. My brother fucking sucks at Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Now, my brother has a very deeply thought out and planned out strategy that he uses every round.
1.Pick a character with a ranged attack.
2.Shoot projectiles while running from any real combat for as long as possible.
3.Turn around and spam c-stick, which is your strong melee attack.
5.Get fucked.

This is a repeating cycle.
The best thing about him playing cheap characters is that i will often counter-pick with an even more cheap character. This does not sit well with him. He will often get so mad at my projectile spamming that he will throw controllers, turn off the console, curse me, threaten me, pause the game and just stare at me for long periods of time, jump around furiously, and just a wide array of weird things that normal people don't do.

My brother is 21... or 22?, and acts exactly the same as he did when he was 8 when you put a video game controller in his hand.

Yesterday, we were playing SSBB on a custom map I had created, it's basically a big box with only one hole at the top that makes it possible to kill anybody, this is a map of torture as it is far to hard to kill people in this box of dead dreams. As the match started we both jumped into the box of terror and such, and as we entered I started the strategy I intended to keep doing the whole match, shooting him with projectiles from across the map.
It actually got so bad at one point he just paused the game and yelled at me for about 30 seconds, which was just the prelude to even more projectile violation.
After about 10 minutes of just shooting him I decided i was tired of his annoying yelling and squelching and just finished him off, to which he seemed even more upset.

Sometimes I feel like it's far too hard to do the right thing.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Inactive Dicking

Trolling Protocol; Section3:SegmentA-5 states that "Trolling is an art, and a troll is an artist."
Trolling Protocol; Section6:SegmentB-2 states that "Ethics is a code that applies to the weak."

Within World of Warcraft I often found myself in positions where I would wonder if I had taken my trolling too far.
With such bizarre and complicated schemes, as to make somebody kill themselves in game out of frustration, you can often find yourself wondering if what you are doing is right.
To troll is more than to make somebody mad, it's a form of mental combat in which the loser is identified by the amount of rage they are radiating.

For the longest part of my WoW career I played a mage. Mages are fun to troll with due to the pure amount of escape mechanics and Crowd Control, such as turning the player into a sheep, or freezing them in place.

Though, the most effective form of trolling in PvP is really just a lack of all action. When you go into a BG, the only way to get kicked out is to be marked afk by your fellow players, but if you are not afk this isn't going to work, so effectively there is no way to get a BK RANDY out of a game if he doesn't want to leave.
I like to think of myself as a WoW double agent, my character may be alliance, but i am definitely helping the horde far more. I start the games with the spamming of the best strategic maneuvers I can muster, such as, "Kill the bad guys!" or "Don't die too much.". From this I often find myself using most of the match to just run around the map, spectating fellow player to make sure they were following my orders. 
When asked about my lack of any actual help, I only implied that they were too bad to deserve my help and that I could win this game solo if all these people weren't here to hold me back.

When you troll in a Battleground, a weird thing happens, the other players turn against eachother.
Some players can smell the scent of a troll from a mile away, lucky for me, most players with this gift use it to help the troll, meaning as soon as i start trolling, I have other trolls in the game that will eventually take over, meaning once again, I can be responsible for the rising anger levels of others without actually having to do any real trolling.
An unrelenting assault is one that doesn't end when you quit giving it, much like a good dicking.

"A troll army is an army of hate, except it isn't an army."

Friday, March 4, 2011

Dicks of Warcraft

World of Warcraft is the largest collection of Trolls in one online game.
The type of people who play WoW are quite disgusting, trolls and try hards come in at an alarming 87% of the subscribers, while another 10% are gold farmers, and the last 3% are people who actually play WoW because they enjoy the experience.
I am part of the majority.
The thing that makes WoW so appealing to me is the fact that to progress takes a decent amount of teamwork, any game that requires teamwork is a game I will play, and destroy for the average player.
For example, a hobby of mine is to set up raids for end-game content, meaning the hardest of the hard. When I get the group full, we are ready to begin this terrific experience.
I will always start each raid in a very serious manner, giving orders on how to down each mob, being very strict and serious in every regard. Now this trolling maneuver I am about to pull off is a great one as they do not know they are being trolled, meaning the anger is slowly raising but it is not being released, this is the sweetest kind of victory... When we get to the first boss I claim to have found a full proof strategy on how to kill him, this strategy is of course completely bogus and one that I have made up on the spot. Now this strategy will continue to fail, time after time, but everytime we fail, I pick one person and blame the whole wipe on them, this is all it takes to keep the group morale up, as all they have to do is pick one person to hate, and the person isn't even me.
So now that I have the group hating one person, no matter what happens it is ALWAYS his fault... I have created a scenario in which people troll each other for me, when a plan works out this great sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy.
Trolls trolling trolls trolling trolls.
It's a great world we live in when everybody you'll ever meet can be manipulated so easily.
I miss WoW.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Types of games rarely talked about by myself are board games. You might thunk this or because I don't like them, but I can assure you this isn't the case. While it's true that I don't play many board games, it's mostly because I ruin board games for everybody else.
I am a BoardGameTryHard. I have been known to hide pieces, lie, draw extra cards, move extra spaces, and be an outright pain in everybody's ass.

A specific instance was when a few friends of mine asked if we wanted go play Monopoly. We agreed. We played for a good hour and half, I wasn't doing bad, I was probably doing the second best out of the four of us, but this was not good enough for me. So I convinced the group that it was time for us to take a small break. As we all get up, it just so happened that my shirt had somehow caught the corner of the board, and flipped the whole thing. Whoops. While we we're all picking up the pieces I decided to take a special interest in picking up the money, and we decided after the pieces were all picked up, we decided whoever had the most money at the end was the winner...
Guess what, guys?
I'm a winner.

Friday, February 18, 2011


As it turns out I am also a fan of fighting games.
This includes, but is not limited to, mortal kombat, street fighter, marvel vs capcom, and tekken.
I like all these games for the reason of unless you are fighting a very skilled player, all these games are broken.
They are broken in different ways, but they are broken.
I am the guy who plays these games and is constantly thinking to myself, "What is the cheapest possible thing I could do in this situation?" The answer is usually, "Spam.".
Let's take Street Fighter for instance. Just earlier today me and my friend Rob were playing, I play as Ken and he uses Blanka. My strategy is as follows:
1. Haduken
2. Haduken
3. Haduken
4. Jump forward and kick
5. Haduken
6. Haduken
7. ????????

Now, as I am doing this to Rob he is obviously appreciating the amount of skill I am displaying and is congratulating me in such manners as "Oh, that isn't cheap.", "Oh cmon!", "DAH PHAWK?", and "FUCKSHITFUCKSHITCMONDUDE!"

I have to hand it to him though, he never rage quit.

He just quit in a fit of rage.

Monday, February 14, 2011

The World's Most Delightful Troll

As I am sure all you know, trolling is an art, and like any art it is very easily misinterpreted. Also, no troll can troll everybody.
So I started playing a new game yesterday, Bloodline Champions, and with the addition of a new game comes the addition of new people to troll. So I made a false account for this game, to protect my win/loss ratio, and this accounts name happens to be CommunistCock.
So when I find a new game to play, i have to seriously consider the type of people who play this game, and try my best to find the most valuable way of trolling this type of person.
For this game I found the easiest strategy for trolling is probably the most commonly used trolling strategy used, intentional or not, and that is just being bad.
So for a few games I decided to just sit at spawn and talk in chat. One thing I learned very fast is, this game is FULL of try hards. I have never seen so many people rage at losing before. So while I am sitting at the spawn point, earning that MVP title, I am constantly saying in chat, "Cmon guys, get your head in the game!" or "Nugglasident!", which is Cat Meow Meow talk for "Pick it up!".
My allies are obviously grateful for my service as they yell such encouraging things as "Fuck'n noob!", "GTFO SANDBAG", or "Who the fuck still talks Cat Meow Meow??". Some people just don't understand.
I actually was caught by surprise earlier as I was countertroll'd pretty hard.
I came into a game and decided it was time to troll. So I picked my healer and decided it's time to heal... myself.... a lot. The game starts, I tell them both to run in, I am a beast healer and will not let you die... I of course ran in with them, stood behind them, and waited for them to die, but much to my dismay, they would not die. They had actually killed the whole other team by themselves. By this point they have noticed that I am actually not helping the team at all, and yet they are happy. They actually both added me to friends list, and wanted to do more games with me because they said it challenged them more to have a 2v3 but they can't do that without a third who won't help. I was pretty upset by this...

I guess you can't troll them all.

But I do troll them most.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mario Dick Wii

A game that I have been playing more and more lately is Mario Kart Wii. The increasing amount of time used on this game is due to the fact that almost every guest that comes to my humble abode feels the undeniable need to play this game.
Lucky for me, MOST of these people who come to play this game are just god awful at it, leaving first place victories for me and me only. Another thing that makes these amazing meetings so fun is the fact that my guests always want to do teams, which is great for me, i get to take one person to the top with me, and allow them to talk all the trash talk for me.
This particularly annoys most of them as the player trash talking is not even the one who is winning. I have never seen people get so mad at other people while I am around. For example, I will get a first place finish, and my teammate will get a 5th or 6th place finish, and because I carried in the points, we will still be ahead. With us being ahead, my teammate always decides now is the right time to start talking trash. Meaning I get to watch the trolling take place, and know it's possible because of me.

It's nice being the good guy sometimes.