Types of games rarely talked about by myself are board games. You might thunk this or because I don't like them, but I can assure you this isn't the case. While it's true that I don't play many board games, it's mostly because I ruin board games for everybody else.
I am a BoardGameTryHard. I have been known to hide pieces, lie, draw extra cards, move extra spaces, and be an outright pain in everybody's ass.
A specific instance was when a few friends of mine asked if we wanted go play Monopoly. We agreed. We played for a good hour and half, I wasn't doing bad, I was probably doing the second best out of the four of us, but this was not good enough for me. So I convinced the group that it was time for us to take a small break. As we all get up, it just so happened that my shirt had somehow caught the corner of the board, and flipped the whole thing. Whoops. While we we're all picking up the pieces I decided to take a special interest in picking up the money, and we decided after the pieces were all picked up, we decided whoever had the most money at the end was the winner...
Guess what, guys?
I'm a winner.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
StreetDick
As it turns out I am also a fan of fighting games.
This includes, but is not limited to, mortal kombat, street fighter, marvel vs capcom, and tekken.
I like all these games for the reason of unless you are fighting a very skilled player, all these games are broken.
They are broken in different ways, but they are broken.
I am the guy who plays these games and is constantly thinking to myself, "What is the cheapest possible thing I could do in this situation?" The answer is usually, "Spam.".
Let's take Street Fighter for instance. Just earlier today me and my friend Rob were playing, I play as Ken and he uses Blanka. My strategy is as follows:
1. Haduken
2. Haduken
3. Haduken
4. Jump forward and kick
5. Haduken
6. Haduken
7. ????????
8.Profit.
Now, as I am doing this to Rob he is obviously appreciating the amount of skill I am displaying and is congratulating me in such manners as "Oh, that isn't cheap.", "Oh cmon!", "DAH PHAWK?", and "FUCKSHITFUCKSHITCMONDUDE!"
I have to hand it to him though, he never rage quit.
He just quit in a fit of rage.
This includes, but is not limited to, mortal kombat, street fighter, marvel vs capcom, and tekken.
I like all these games for the reason of unless you are fighting a very skilled player, all these games are broken.
They are broken in different ways, but they are broken.
I am the guy who plays these games and is constantly thinking to myself, "What is the cheapest possible thing I could do in this situation?" The answer is usually, "Spam.".
Let's take Street Fighter for instance. Just earlier today me and my friend Rob were playing, I play as Ken and he uses Blanka. My strategy is as follows:
1. Haduken
2. Haduken
3. Haduken
4. Jump forward and kick
5. Haduken
6. Haduken
7. ????????
8.Profit.
Now, as I am doing this to Rob he is obviously appreciating the amount of skill I am displaying and is congratulating me in such manners as "Oh, that isn't cheap.", "Oh cmon!", "DAH PHAWK?", and "FUCKSHITFUCKSHITCMONDUDE!"
I have to hand it to him though, he never rage quit.
He just quit in a fit of rage.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The World's Most Delightful Troll
As I am sure all you know, trolling is an art, and like any art it is very easily misinterpreted. Also, no troll can troll everybody.
So I started playing a new game yesterday, Bloodline Champions, and with the addition of a new game comes the addition of new people to troll. So I made a false account for this game, to protect my win/loss ratio, and this accounts name happens to be CommunistCock.
So when I find a new game to play, i have to seriously consider the type of people who play this game, and try my best to find the most valuable way of trolling this type of person.
For this game I found the easiest strategy for trolling is probably the most commonly used trolling strategy used, intentional or not, and that is just being bad.
So for a few games I decided to just sit at spawn and talk in chat. One thing I learned very fast is, this game is FULL of try hards. I have never seen so many people rage at losing before. So while I am sitting at the spawn point, earning that MVP title, I am constantly saying in chat, "Cmon guys, get your head in the game!" or "Nugglasident!", which is Cat Meow Meow talk for "Pick it up!".
My allies are obviously grateful for my service as they yell such encouraging things as "Fuck'n noob!", "GTFO SANDBAG", or "Who the fuck still talks Cat Meow Meow??". Some people just don't understand.
I actually was caught by surprise earlier as I was countertroll'd pretty hard.
I came into a game and decided it was time to troll. So I picked my healer and decided it's time to heal... myself.... a lot. The game starts, I tell them both to run in, I am a beast healer and will not let you die... I of course ran in with them, stood behind them, and waited for them to die, but much to my dismay, they would not die. They had actually killed the whole other team by themselves. By this point they have noticed that I am actually not helping the team at all, and yet they are happy. They actually both added me to friends list, and wanted to do more games with me because they said it challenged them more to have a 2v3 but they can't do that without a third who won't help. I was pretty upset by this...
I guess you can't troll them all.
But I do troll them most.
So I started playing a new game yesterday, Bloodline Champions, and with the addition of a new game comes the addition of new people to troll. So I made a false account for this game, to protect my win/loss ratio, and this accounts name happens to be CommunistCock.
So when I find a new game to play, i have to seriously consider the type of people who play this game, and try my best to find the most valuable way of trolling this type of person.
For this game I found the easiest strategy for trolling is probably the most commonly used trolling strategy used, intentional or not, and that is just being bad.
So for a few games I decided to just sit at spawn and talk in chat. One thing I learned very fast is, this game is FULL of try hards. I have never seen so many people rage at losing before. So while I am sitting at the spawn point, earning that MVP title, I am constantly saying in chat, "Cmon guys, get your head in the game!" or "Nugglasident!", which is Cat Meow Meow talk for "Pick it up!".
My allies are obviously grateful for my service as they yell such encouraging things as "Fuck'n noob!", "GTFO SANDBAG", or "Who the fuck still talks Cat Meow Meow??". Some people just don't understand.
I actually was caught by surprise earlier as I was countertroll'd pretty hard.
I came into a game and decided it was time to troll. So I picked my healer and decided it's time to heal... myself.... a lot. The game starts, I tell them both to run in, I am a beast healer and will not let you die... I of course ran in with them, stood behind them, and waited for them to die, but much to my dismay, they would not die. They had actually killed the whole other team by themselves. By this point they have noticed that I am actually not helping the team at all, and yet they are happy. They actually both added me to friends list, and wanted to do more games with me because they said it challenged them more to have a 2v3 but they can't do that without a third who won't help. I was pretty upset by this...
I guess you can't troll them all.
But I do troll them most.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Mario Dick Wii
A game that I have been playing more and more lately is Mario Kart Wii. The increasing amount of time used on this game is due to the fact that almost every guest that comes to my humble abode feels the undeniable need to play this game.
Lucky for me, MOST of these people who come to play this game are just god awful at it, leaving first place victories for me and me only. Another thing that makes these amazing meetings so fun is the fact that my guests always want to do teams, which is great for me, i get to take one person to the top with me, and allow them to talk all the trash talk for me.
This particularly annoys most of them as the player trash talking is not even the one who is winning. I have never seen people get so mad at other people while I am around. For example, I will get a first place finish, and my teammate will get a 5th or 6th place finish, and because I carried in the points, we will still be ahead. With us being ahead, my teammate always decides now is the right time to start talking trash. Meaning I get to watch the trolling take place, and know it's possible because of me.
It's nice being the good guy sometimes.
Lucky for me, MOST of these people who come to play this game are just god awful at it, leaving first place victories for me and me only. Another thing that makes these amazing meetings so fun is the fact that my guests always want to do teams, which is great for me, i get to take one person to the top with me, and allow them to talk all the trash talk for me.
This particularly annoys most of them as the player trash talking is not even the one who is winning. I have never seen people get so mad at other people while I am around. For example, I will get a first place finish, and my teammate will get a 5th or 6th place finish, and because I carried in the points, we will still be ahead. With us being ahead, my teammate always decides now is the right time to start talking trash. Meaning I get to watch the trolling take place, and know it's possible because of me.
It's nice being the good guy sometimes.
Monday, January 24, 2011
A World of Dick!
In World of Warcraft I have spent many many hours just sitting in a major city talking in Trade chat trolling anybody willing to call me out for my dickish tendencies. While I do believe that pure chat based trolling is the lowest form of trolling, sometimes you gotta work with what is available.
A "debate" in the world of warcraft field is, "which is more important, gear or skill?". MOST players can agree that a little bit of gear is important, but it is the skill of the player that is more important, that is unless you agree with me. I play a different tune, my theory is that neither gear nor skill is important, what makes a player a good player is all dependent on one thing, the sex of the player.
That is right, I would continually tell everybody in trade chat that they are all wrong, I am the only person in the whole game that understands what it really takes to be a good player, and people didn't seem to really like this take on skill.
One particularly mad fellow once implied that I had a deep seeded hatred of women, which is why I had this theory on the skill of other players. I had to set his mind at ease by reminding him that I LOVE his mother almost every night and she is, by all definitions, a woman. He was of course ever so pleased with me for the reminder and thanked me in a most peculiar manner, he reported me and got me banned for a few hours.
I knew he meant it in the nicest way possible.
A "debate" in the world of warcraft field is, "which is more important, gear or skill?". MOST players can agree that a little bit of gear is important, but it is the skill of the player that is more important, that is unless you agree with me. I play a different tune, my theory is that neither gear nor skill is important, what makes a player a good player is all dependent on one thing, the sex of the player.
That is right, I would continually tell everybody in trade chat that they are all wrong, I am the only person in the whole game that understands what it really takes to be a good player, and people didn't seem to really like this take on skill.
One particularly mad fellow once implied that I had a deep seeded hatred of women, which is why I had this theory on the skill of other players. I had to set his mind at ease by reminding him that I LOVE his mother almost every night and she is, by all definitions, a woman. He was of course ever so pleased with me for the reminder and thanked me in a most peculiar manner, he reported me and got me banned for a few hours.
I knew he meant it in the nicest way possible.
A Diablo Dicking Tale
As I appear to still be in a nostalgic mood I have decided to pull out another classic multiplayer troll fest, Diablo 2. In Diablo 2 there is a GREAT PvP system where you can attack anybody who is not grouped with you as long as you are not in town, let me go ahead and say now, I wish every game had a system such as this.
This game also has another system that I like to call the "False Sense of Security" system. You see, the only way to not be able to be attacked by a player is to put them in a group with you, but this grouping system is too fragile to be a legitimate party system as all it takes is one click to leave group and turn all teammates into enemies.
Okay, as I am far to civilized a troll to allow myself to give into such trivial trolling maneuvers as to just join a server and start killing the players inside, I usually find myself using a strategy such as,
1. Earn Trust
2. Take Into dungeon
3. Take to boss
4. Leave party
5. ?????
6. Profit!
Using this strategy I lure many the "ally" to their doom! A particular instance was when I was playing my favorite character, my Necromancer who is obviously named Necrophiliac. Well I joined a server of 3 people who were still doing first world, I was a VERY high level compared to them! I offered to help them and of course they accepted immediately. I led them through the whole first world, getting them all the way to the final boss before I made a note of how much work I was doing for such little self gain. One of them told me how much they appreciated what I was doing for them and how nice I was being, the other two made fun of him for being a suck up. I told this new found follower of mine to head back to town to grab me some potions, he left and the attack begun! I left the group, slain my teamate, killed and looted the final boss, and still had time to type "LOLOLOLOLOL" repeatedly in chat.
I made a new follower that day.
I also made 2 people have to restart a whole world.
Mission Successful.
This game also has another system that I like to call the "False Sense of Security" system. You see, the only way to not be able to be attacked by a player is to put them in a group with you, but this grouping system is too fragile to be a legitimate party system as all it takes is one click to leave group and turn all teammates into enemies.
Okay, as I am far to civilized a troll to allow myself to give into such trivial trolling maneuvers as to just join a server and start killing the players inside, I usually find myself using a strategy such as,
1. Earn Trust
2. Take Into dungeon
3. Take to boss
4. Leave party
5. ?????
6. Profit!
Using this strategy I lure many the "ally" to their doom! A particular instance was when I was playing my favorite character, my Necromancer who is obviously named Necrophiliac. Well I joined a server of 3 people who were still doing first world, I was a VERY high level compared to them! I offered to help them and of course they accepted immediately. I led them through the whole first world, getting them all the way to the final boss before I made a note of how much work I was doing for such little self gain. One of them told me how much they appreciated what I was doing for them and how nice I was being, the other two made fun of him for being a suck up. I told this new found follower of mine to head back to town to grab me some potions, he left and the attack begun! I left the group, slain my teamate, killed and looted the final boss, and still had time to type "LOLOLOLOLOL" repeatedly in chat.
I made a new follower that day.
I also made 2 people have to restart a whole world.
Mission Successful.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Stardick
Okay, it's time for a blast from the past... StarCraft. Okay, first let me go ahead and say, I was never all that good at StarCraft, I mean I was good enough to hold my own in ranked matches, but I never got so far into it that I binded all my keys and started doing old StarCraft pagan rituals, which, by the way, is how I think all them Asians got so good at it.
Okay, I had a system I used to keep the game at maximum fun levels, but to also keep my Win/Loss ratio good.
Every 5 matches I would just throw a match, go complete troll mode, and make my team hate me more than anybody else. The four matches before this one lucky troll match were of course just me trying my absolute hardest to win and to keep my win/loss ratio strong for more rated matches! You might ask why didn't i just make another account for trolling? Simple, I only want to troll TRY HARDS, and you don't start encountering them until you get a decent rating under your belt! So, I had my work cut out for me! I had to keep my rating up, while trolling people and purposely losing games, but I fought through it!
OH MAN, OH MAN! It's story time! So I was in a 3v3 with some obvious TRY HARDS, their names were, of course, TRYHARD1 and TRYSUPERHARD521. I of course came in with the only race I troll with, Zerglings(ALIENS), TRYHARD1 was playing the Terrans(humans), and TRYSUPERHARD937 was playing the Protoss(high tech super aliens). So I started the game off perfectly fine, started building units and such just like I always do. Now let me tell you the one thing that makes trolling on this game so easy, it's something I like to refer to as Friendly Fire... yeah, that's right. Okay, so as you are on the internet, I am going to assume you have heard the term "Zerg Rush", but in case you haven't, let me lay it on you. A Zerg Rush is when you rush an "enemy" base with an overly zealous amount of Zerglings, oh yeah. So after about 5 minutes of putting all my resources into building Zerglings, I tell my Protoss ally, TRYSUPERHARD836, that I am going to bury some Zergs in base because I feel like they are about to rush him, he of course accepts this very gracious help I am offering. I of course send EVERY Zergling in my arsenal over to his base and let the team attack ensue. I start by destroying all his construction dewds as they die so easily and are so vital to his building process. In this particular game my surprised ally must have been some state of troll induced shock as he didn't even try to defend himself from the onslaught being brought upon him by my ugly lil alien beasts. This was a particularly lucky venture for me as I actually totally knocked out and destroyed TRYSUPERHARD6969LOL, I then sent my forces over to TRYHARD1, and weakened him a bit before all my stuff was destroyed. Unluckily for me, while I was attacking my teammates, the enemies came into my base and destroyed all my stuff, but as I was not trying to win, I was not as upset as you might think. By this point both my "allies" are visibly upset and letting there voices be heard! You might think I am the bad guy here, but let me tell you something! The "enemy" team LOVED me! They couldn't have been happier! To them I was a super hero, I guess you can't please everybody! At least I left my last living ally with some words of encouragement, "Good luck". I can tell he appreciated it.
I am a super hero.
Okay, I had a system I used to keep the game at maximum fun levels, but to also keep my Win/Loss ratio good.
Every 5 matches I would just throw a match, go complete troll mode, and make my team hate me more than anybody else. The four matches before this one lucky troll match were of course just me trying my absolute hardest to win and to keep my win/loss ratio strong for more rated matches! You might ask why didn't i just make another account for trolling? Simple, I only want to troll TRY HARDS, and you don't start encountering them until you get a decent rating under your belt! So, I had my work cut out for me! I had to keep my rating up, while trolling people and purposely losing games, but I fought through it!
OH MAN, OH MAN! It's story time! So I was in a 3v3 with some obvious TRY HARDS, their names were, of course, TRYHARD1 and TRYSUPERHARD521. I of course came in with the only race I troll with, Zerglings(ALIENS), TRYHARD1 was playing the Terrans(humans), and TRYSUPERHARD937 was playing the Protoss(high tech super aliens). So I started the game off perfectly fine, started building units and such just like I always do. Now let me tell you the one thing that makes trolling on this game so easy, it's something I like to refer to as Friendly Fire... yeah, that's right. Okay, so as you are on the internet, I am going to assume you have heard the term "Zerg Rush", but in case you haven't, let me lay it on you. A Zerg Rush is when you rush an "enemy" base with an overly zealous amount of Zerglings, oh yeah. So after about 5 minutes of putting all my resources into building Zerglings, I tell my Protoss ally, TRYSUPERHARD836, that I am going to bury some Zergs in base because I feel like they are about to rush him, he of course accepts this very gracious help I am offering. I of course send EVERY Zergling in my arsenal over to his base and let the team attack ensue. I start by destroying all his construction dewds as they die so easily and are so vital to his building process. In this particular game my surprised ally must have been some state of troll induced shock as he didn't even try to defend himself from the onslaught being brought upon him by my ugly lil alien beasts. This was a particularly lucky venture for me as I actually totally knocked out and destroyed TRYSUPERHARD6969LOL, I then sent my forces over to TRYHARD1, and weakened him a bit before all my stuff was destroyed. Unluckily for me, while I was attacking my teammates, the enemies came into my base and destroyed all my stuff, but as I was not trying to win, I was not as upset as you might think. By this point both my "allies" are visibly upset and letting there voices be heard! You might think I am the bad guy here, but let me tell you something! The "enemy" team LOVED me! They couldn't have been happier! To them I was a super hero, I guess you can't please everybody! At least I left my last living ally with some words of encouragement, "Good luck". I can tell he appreciated it.
I am a super hero.
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