A game that I have been playing more and more lately is Mario Kart Wii. The increasing amount of time used on this game is due to the fact that almost every guest that comes to my humble abode feels the undeniable need to play this game.
Lucky for me, MOST of these people who come to play this game are just god awful at it, leaving first place victories for me and me only. Another thing that makes these amazing meetings so fun is the fact that my guests always want to do teams, which is great for me, i get to take one person to the top with me, and allow them to talk all the trash talk for me.
This particularly annoys most of them as the player trash talking is not even the one who is winning. I have never seen people get so mad at other people while I am around. For example, I will get a first place finish, and my teammate will get a 5th or 6th place finish, and because I carried in the points, we will still be ahead. With us being ahead, my teammate always decides now is the right time to start talking trash. Meaning I get to watch the trolling take place, and know it's possible because of me.
It's nice being the good guy sometimes.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
A World of Dick!
In World of Warcraft I have spent many many hours just sitting in a major city talking in Trade chat trolling anybody willing to call me out for my dickish tendencies. While I do believe that pure chat based trolling is the lowest form of trolling, sometimes you gotta work with what is available.
A "debate" in the world of warcraft field is, "which is more important, gear or skill?". MOST players can agree that a little bit of gear is important, but it is the skill of the player that is more important, that is unless you agree with me. I play a different tune, my theory is that neither gear nor skill is important, what makes a player a good player is all dependent on one thing, the sex of the player.
That is right, I would continually tell everybody in trade chat that they are all wrong, I am the only person in the whole game that understands what it really takes to be a good player, and people didn't seem to really like this take on skill.
One particularly mad fellow once implied that I had a deep seeded hatred of women, which is why I had this theory on the skill of other players. I had to set his mind at ease by reminding him that I LOVE his mother almost every night and she is, by all definitions, a woman. He was of course ever so pleased with me for the reminder and thanked me in a most peculiar manner, he reported me and got me banned for a few hours.
I knew he meant it in the nicest way possible.
A "debate" in the world of warcraft field is, "which is more important, gear or skill?". MOST players can agree that a little bit of gear is important, but it is the skill of the player that is more important, that is unless you agree with me. I play a different tune, my theory is that neither gear nor skill is important, what makes a player a good player is all dependent on one thing, the sex of the player.
That is right, I would continually tell everybody in trade chat that they are all wrong, I am the only person in the whole game that understands what it really takes to be a good player, and people didn't seem to really like this take on skill.
One particularly mad fellow once implied that I had a deep seeded hatred of women, which is why I had this theory on the skill of other players. I had to set his mind at ease by reminding him that I LOVE his mother almost every night and she is, by all definitions, a woman. He was of course ever so pleased with me for the reminder and thanked me in a most peculiar manner, he reported me and got me banned for a few hours.
I knew he meant it in the nicest way possible.
A Diablo Dicking Tale
As I appear to still be in a nostalgic mood I have decided to pull out another classic multiplayer troll fest, Diablo 2. In Diablo 2 there is a GREAT PvP system where you can attack anybody who is not grouped with you as long as you are not in town, let me go ahead and say now, I wish every game had a system such as this.
This game also has another system that I like to call the "False Sense of Security" system. You see, the only way to not be able to be attacked by a player is to put them in a group with you, but this grouping system is too fragile to be a legitimate party system as all it takes is one click to leave group and turn all teammates into enemies.
Okay, as I am far to civilized a troll to allow myself to give into such trivial trolling maneuvers as to just join a server and start killing the players inside, I usually find myself using a strategy such as,
1. Earn Trust
2. Take Into dungeon
3. Take to boss
4. Leave party
5. ?????
6. Profit!
Using this strategy I lure many the "ally" to their doom! A particular instance was when I was playing my favorite character, my Necromancer who is obviously named Necrophiliac. Well I joined a server of 3 people who were still doing first world, I was a VERY high level compared to them! I offered to help them and of course they accepted immediately. I led them through the whole first world, getting them all the way to the final boss before I made a note of how much work I was doing for such little self gain. One of them told me how much they appreciated what I was doing for them and how nice I was being, the other two made fun of him for being a suck up. I told this new found follower of mine to head back to town to grab me some potions, he left and the attack begun! I left the group, slain my teamate, killed and looted the final boss, and still had time to type "LOLOLOLOLOL" repeatedly in chat.
I made a new follower that day.
I also made 2 people have to restart a whole world.
Mission Successful.
This game also has another system that I like to call the "False Sense of Security" system. You see, the only way to not be able to be attacked by a player is to put them in a group with you, but this grouping system is too fragile to be a legitimate party system as all it takes is one click to leave group and turn all teammates into enemies.
Okay, as I am far to civilized a troll to allow myself to give into such trivial trolling maneuvers as to just join a server and start killing the players inside, I usually find myself using a strategy such as,
1. Earn Trust
2. Take Into dungeon
3. Take to boss
4. Leave party
5. ?????
6. Profit!
Using this strategy I lure many the "ally" to their doom! A particular instance was when I was playing my favorite character, my Necromancer who is obviously named Necrophiliac. Well I joined a server of 3 people who were still doing first world, I was a VERY high level compared to them! I offered to help them and of course they accepted immediately. I led them through the whole first world, getting them all the way to the final boss before I made a note of how much work I was doing for such little self gain. One of them told me how much they appreciated what I was doing for them and how nice I was being, the other two made fun of him for being a suck up. I told this new found follower of mine to head back to town to grab me some potions, he left and the attack begun! I left the group, slain my teamate, killed and looted the final boss, and still had time to type "LOLOLOLOLOL" repeatedly in chat.
I made a new follower that day.
I also made 2 people have to restart a whole world.
Mission Successful.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Stardick
Okay, it's time for a blast from the past... StarCraft. Okay, first let me go ahead and say, I was never all that good at StarCraft, I mean I was good enough to hold my own in ranked matches, but I never got so far into it that I binded all my keys and started doing old StarCraft pagan rituals, which, by the way, is how I think all them Asians got so good at it.
Okay, I had a system I used to keep the game at maximum fun levels, but to also keep my Win/Loss ratio good.
Every 5 matches I would just throw a match, go complete troll mode, and make my team hate me more than anybody else. The four matches before this one lucky troll match were of course just me trying my absolute hardest to win and to keep my win/loss ratio strong for more rated matches! You might ask why didn't i just make another account for trolling? Simple, I only want to troll TRY HARDS, and you don't start encountering them until you get a decent rating under your belt! So, I had my work cut out for me! I had to keep my rating up, while trolling people and purposely losing games, but I fought through it!
OH MAN, OH MAN! It's story time! So I was in a 3v3 with some obvious TRY HARDS, their names were, of course, TRYHARD1 and TRYSUPERHARD521. I of course came in with the only race I troll with, Zerglings(ALIENS), TRYHARD1 was playing the Terrans(humans), and TRYSUPERHARD937 was playing the Protoss(high tech super aliens). So I started the game off perfectly fine, started building units and such just like I always do. Now let me tell you the one thing that makes trolling on this game so easy, it's something I like to refer to as Friendly Fire... yeah, that's right. Okay, so as you are on the internet, I am going to assume you have heard the term "Zerg Rush", but in case you haven't, let me lay it on you. A Zerg Rush is when you rush an "enemy" base with an overly zealous amount of Zerglings, oh yeah. So after about 5 minutes of putting all my resources into building Zerglings, I tell my Protoss ally, TRYSUPERHARD836, that I am going to bury some Zergs in base because I feel like they are about to rush him, he of course accepts this very gracious help I am offering. I of course send EVERY Zergling in my arsenal over to his base and let the team attack ensue. I start by destroying all his construction dewds as they die so easily and are so vital to his building process. In this particular game my surprised ally must have been some state of troll induced shock as he didn't even try to defend himself from the onslaught being brought upon him by my ugly lil alien beasts. This was a particularly lucky venture for me as I actually totally knocked out and destroyed TRYSUPERHARD6969LOL, I then sent my forces over to TRYHARD1, and weakened him a bit before all my stuff was destroyed. Unluckily for me, while I was attacking my teammates, the enemies came into my base and destroyed all my stuff, but as I was not trying to win, I was not as upset as you might think. By this point both my "allies" are visibly upset and letting there voices be heard! You might think I am the bad guy here, but let me tell you something! The "enemy" team LOVED me! They couldn't have been happier! To them I was a super hero, I guess you can't please everybody! At least I left my last living ally with some words of encouragement, "Good luck". I can tell he appreciated it.
I am a super hero.
Okay, I had a system I used to keep the game at maximum fun levels, but to also keep my Win/Loss ratio good.
Every 5 matches I would just throw a match, go complete troll mode, and make my team hate me more than anybody else. The four matches before this one lucky troll match were of course just me trying my absolute hardest to win and to keep my win/loss ratio strong for more rated matches! You might ask why didn't i just make another account for trolling? Simple, I only want to troll TRY HARDS, and you don't start encountering them until you get a decent rating under your belt! So, I had my work cut out for me! I had to keep my rating up, while trolling people and purposely losing games, but I fought through it!
OH MAN, OH MAN! It's story time! So I was in a 3v3 with some obvious TRY HARDS, their names were, of course, TRYHARD1 and TRYSUPERHARD521. I of course came in with the only race I troll with, Zerglings(ALIENS), TRYHARD1 was playing the Terrans(humans), and TRYSUPERHARD937 was playing the Protoss(high tech super aliens). So I started the game off perfectly fine, started building units and such just like I always do. Now let me tell you the one thing that makes trolling on this game so easy, it's something I like to refer to as Friendly Fire... yeah, that's right. Okay, so as you are on the internet, I am going to assume you have heard the term "Zerg Rush", but in case you haven't, let me lay it on you. A Zerg Rush is when you rush an "enemy" base with an overly zealous amount of Zerglings, oh yeah. So after about 5 minutes of putting all my resources into building Zerglings, I tell my Protoss ally, TRYSUPERHARD836, that I am going to bury some Zergs in base because I feel like they are about to rush him, he of course accepts this very gracious help I am offering. I of course send EVERY Zergling in my arsenal over to his base and let the team attack ensue. I start by destroying all his construction dewds as they die so easily and are so vital to his building process. In this particular game my surprised ally must have been some state of troll induced shock as he didn't even try to defend himself from the onslaught being brought upon him by my ugly lil alien beasts. This was a particularly lucky venture for me as I actually totally knocked out and destroyed TRYSUPERHARD6969LOL, I then sent my forces over to TRYHARD1, and weakened him a bit before all my stuff was destroyed. Unluckily for me, while I was attacking my teammates, the enemies came into my base and destroyed all my stuff, but as I was not trying to win, I was not as upset as you might think. By this point both my "allies" are visibly upset and letting there voices be heard! You might think I am the bad guy here, but let me tell you something! The "enemy" team LOVED me! They couldn't have been happier! To them I was a super hero, I guess you can't please everybody! At least I left my last living ally with some words of encouragement, "Good luck". I can tell he appreciated it.
I am a super hero.
Call of Duty: Modern Dickware 2
Okay, so I was one of those kids who waited outside in the cold on release night for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, but I didn't do it because I like the game, I did it because I love the kind of try hards that FPS midnight releases can bring, and this was no different!
Standing in line, without striking range of all these FPS TRY HARDS, I knew I had to keep my trolling low profile, definitely no "U MAD!?!?!?!" in this group of people, that's implying I want to live. So I was waiting in line behind this rather old man wearing an army jacket. I made a comment to the guy behind me, slightly louder than average speaking voice, "There should truly be an age limit on this type of video games." The guy in front of me obviously heard me and shot me a little look as if to say, "Really man? Really?" I just smiled.
So I continued the rest of the night describing to this stranger behind me how older gamers are giving us a bad name and how their reflexes have dulled in their age and they should play simpler games like plat-formers or adventures and leave the shooters to the experts. When we were about 10 people from the front the man in front of me was visibly upset. He had just been listening to me pretty much bash him this whole time, I finally said something about how age has probably affected his performance else where as well... I suppose this was the final straw as he turned around and just let is loose on me. He was yelling, calling me a little punk, said he could take me out if he ever met me online, and he assured me that his sexual stamina had been unaffected by his age.
During this outburst he had drawn the attention of the employees, who didn't seem too thrilled about this outburst, they were actually so disappointed in his performance they made him get out of line.
I got my copy of CoD a little bit faster that day.
I also learned that there is no age limit for raging.
Standing in line, without striking range of all these FPS TRY HARDS, I knew I had to keep my trolling low profile, definitely no "U MAD!?!?!?!" in this group of people, that's implying I want to live. So I was waiting in line behind this rather old man wearing an army jacket. I made a comment to the guy behind me, slightly louder than average speaking voice, "There should truly be an age limit on this type of video games." The guy in front of me obviously heard me and shot me a little look as if to say, "Really man? Really?" I just smiled.
So I continued the rest of the night describing to this stranger behind me how older gamers are giving us a bad name and how their reflexes have dulled in their age and they should play simpler games like plat-formers or adventures and leave the shooters to the experts. When we were about 10 people from the front the man in front of me was visibly upset. He had just been listening to me pretty much bash him this whole time, I finally said something about how age has probably affected his performance else where as well... I suppose this was the final straw as he turned around and just let is loose on me. He was yelling, calling me a little punk, said he could take me out if he ever met me online, and he assured me that his sexual stamina had been unaffected by his age.
During this outburst he had drawn the attention of the employees, who didn't seem too thrilled about this outburst, they were actually so disappointed in his performance they made him get out of line.
I got my copy of CoD a little bit faster that day.
I also learned that there is no age limit for raging.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Super Smash Dicks
A game I spend quite a large amount of time playing since the death of my xbox, rest in peace, is Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This is the perfect game for this juncture of my life as there are always people around to play it with! Now this is suppose to be a fun party game where everybody runs around knocking the shit out of each other, but when I play there is a very different strategy being used.
When I play this game I do something that some people think is a FPS exclusive, camp. That's right, the whole time, I camp off to the side of the map and let everybody else fight. Now, this is not always easy due to people constantly noticing my tom dickery, but I have figured out how to stay out of the combat pretty easily. My usual plan is to sit near the edge of the map and whenever somebody comes close, i run at them, grab them, and throw them back at the other players on the field.
Okay, when the game is going for a few minutes, and the damage of my enemies starts getting pretty high, this is where I start to dick. I, having almost no damage, can easily run into the group, and steal all three kills pretty effectively. Now, most of my friends are so used to this that they barely even get mad anymore, but recently my roommate, Rob, invited his friend over, Josh. Josh is the definition of a TRY HARD. No matter how legitimate your victory, he will always try to call you out on how cheap you are, or how the game fucked him over. I love this more than anything. The thing about TRY HARDS is they are almost never able to keep a cool head under trollious conditions, and lucky for me, Josh is the perfect TRY HARD! Okay, so the game starts and they are all fighting each other pretty evenly, and about 2 or 3 minutes in, when they start getting to about 100% or 150% damage, I decide it's time to fight. I jump in, and without hesitation, go straight for Josh. As his damage is so high, the battle never lasts long, as I can usually knock him out within 15-30 seconds of combat, and this is where stuff gets lulzy. He immediately yells and grips his controller in such a way you fear the controller might break, from this he goes on to say things such as, "How can you even enjoy playing like that?" or "Being cheap is no way to play! PLAY FAIR!" Of course, these words mean nothing to me, as playing fair is no longer even in my play book. I continue this same strategy with the same results for hours.
I could not be more pleased, and he could not be more upset.
I fucking love Super Smash Bros.
When I play this game I do something that some people think is a FPS exclusive, camp. That's right, the whole time, I camp off to the side of the map and let everybody else fight. Now, this is not always easy due to people constantly noticing my tom dickery, but I have figured out how to stay out of the combat pretty easily. My usual plan is to sit near the edge of the map and whenever somebody comes close, i run at them, grab them, and throw them back at the other players on the field.
Okay, when the game is going for a few minutes, and the damage of my enemies starts getting pretty high, this is where I start to dick. I, having almost no damage, can easily run into the group, and steal all three kills pretty effectively. Now, most of my friends are so used to this that they barely even get mad anymore, but recently my roommate, Rob, invited his friend over, Josh. Josh is the definition of a TRY HARD. No matter how legitimate your victory, he will always try to call you out on how cheap you are, or how the game fucked him over. I love this more than anything. The thing about TRY HARDS is they are almost never able to keep a cool head under trollious conditions, and lucky for me, Josh is the perfect TRY HARD! Okay, so the game starts and they are all fighting each other pretty evenly, and about 2 or 3 minutes in, when they start getting to about 100% or 150% damage, I decide it's time to fight. I jump in, and without hesitation, go straight for Josh. As his damage is so high, the battle never lasts long, as I can usually knock him out within 15-30 seconds of combat, and this is where stuff gets lulzy. He immediately yells and grips his controller in such a way you fear the controller might break, from this he goes on to say things such as, "How can you even enjoy playing like that?" or "Being cheap is no way to play! PLAY FAIR!" Of course, these words mean nothing to me, as playing fair is no longer even in my play book. I continue this same strategy with the same results for hours.
I could not be more pleased, and he could not be more upset.
I fucking love Super Smash Bros.
Monday, January 17, 2011
SplinterDick
I feel like the way I have been describing myself it appears I only dick people through the internet, I would like to assure you this is not the case. I am constantly dicking people I know in real life too in video games of all varieties. This is nothing new, I have been dicking my friends in video games since fucking middle school! I remember when I used to play Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory with my ole friend Eric Dustin! Soooo many good memories! Shit was awesome, we used to fuck with each other the whole time, we would be sneaking down a hall way, being quiet and shit, trying to get past guards then I'd shoot him in the back with a stun dart and he would get killed by the guards, awhhh, good times.
We were actually terrible at this game, and we never beat it, but it was some of the most fun I ever had playing video games. We were actually pretty obsessed with this game, and every time we hung out near an xbox we would try to beat this fucking game, but we could not stop dicking eachother long enough to do it! There was one part where we were on a ledge tryign to jump on each others head to jump up to a window, but I would always initiate the jump to make it throw him off the ledge and take damage! We were just a terrible team...
and he was so mad.
We were actually terrible at this game, and we never beat it, but it was some of the most fun I ever had playing video games. We were actually pretty obsessed with this game, and every time we hung out near an xbox we would try to beat this fucking game, but we could not stop dicking eachother long enough to do it! There was one part where we were on a ledge tryign to jump on each others head to jump up to a window, but I would always initiate the jump to make it throw him off the ledge and take damage! We were just a terrible team...
and he was so mad.
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